“I only need to get through the day.” I say this every day, and so today became a long season. And the “right now” that I can’t stand, also can’t fit into a day. Hours and minutes can’t explain this today.
Today I cried. I cried a lot. I cried, and the more I tried to stop, I couldn’t. And I tried to pray while crying, and wasn’t able to articulate a word. I was angry and frustrated, and then exhausted of being angry and frustrated. And then I started crying again. I wasn’t even weeping; I was bawling. It almost felt as it was a tantrum, on why, oh, why can’t things be a little better, just a little?
Today I fell down the stairs, and when I was writing about it, the words that came out changed ‘fell’ into ‘failed.’ Rolling down the stairs wasn’t as painful as the idea of not being able to stop at the bottom of the staircase. And I cried again. The more I cried, the more I realized that the pain from falling and failing has become too familiar lately. And the scratches and bruises are hard to see from the inside… so I didn’t realized I was as hurt as I was.
I got lost today. I got carried away while fighting with my thoughts and next thing I knew, I was in the middle of nowhere, not knowing where to go. This is a recurrent feeling in my life lately. I just don’t know how or where or when to take the next step.
Today I tried to read a little, but tears were wetting the pages. Then I tried with a different book, but even just flipping the pages was painful and exacerbating. I wanted to find some clarity, but the letters were as blurry and dark as my heart is right now.
So I tried to read a softer bible verse – just one. Maybe one that was easy to digest. One that wouldn’t require me to hold onto something that is too far away. I just needed something for the “right now.” Something for today. And there it was, the one that has come over and over in the past months, from the voice of good friends, in an old bookmark and a couple of other random places. “Be still and know that I am God.” The words said, “don’t move” as they saw me in pain.
And the irony is that “stillness” is not the word that caught my attention this time but “know.” And as I defragment this season of ‘today’s’, I can only smile and know the one thing I should know. And maybe hope and dream a little for tomorrow, or the day after. Meanwhile today, I just sit with these thoughts.
Liz Herrera loves to learn, read, have a good cup of coffee and find creative ways to combine her passions: communications, urban ministries, social action and mixed media. Liz is a journalist and has served alongside the team of CTM Guatemala since 2006 and worked for over 12 years among marginalized populations with churches and non-profit organizations.